I'm ready to share from a place of deep vulnerability. This has been one of the hardest seasons of my life; but I continue on.
In November of 2021, my husband and I decided to transfer our last embryo from the IVF treatment I had in 2020. It was successful until it wasn't.
I'd walk up and down the aisles of stores like Tesco in England, the baby sections in the mall while we were visiting the states. The pretty pastel pinks and purples filled with cute images of Peter Rabbit, Pooh Bear. I visited Joann Fabrics and looked at Care Bear fabric thinking I could continue on the "bear" theme for both of our babies. I'd make a quilt, but I'd wait until I was back in the states. In my heart of hearts, I knew that I was holding a little girl.
Returning back from our vacation before a 6 month extension in England, I felt fine. I felt movement, I felt the little flutters. My baby bump was growing.
We headed to our first appointment and I left in tears. "Unfortunately, there is no heart beat. The baby is measuring at 5 weeks and you're 10 weeks and 5 days. Expect heavy bleeding."
My world, my plans for the next year came crashing down. Miscarriage. Painful, emotional, hopeless.
It's been 12 weeks since then and sometimes I count the days, and even think about what I would've looked like now. It hurts to know that there was nothing I could do to save this baby. My Catalina, as I named her.
I was full of joy. I was content. I felt my life was exactly how it needed to be. Although I know I am complete in Jesus; my family was now to be complete and Elías would have his sibling.
Miscarriage is one of the most painful things I have been through in my life. I've been through a lot of turmoil. To feel life leaving you, what was a life, what could have been. To feel the body riding itself of what you thought should continue to grow and thrive. Miscarriage strips you of all control. Miscarriage hurts with each contraction. It is isolating.
And yet, as the weeks go by I continue to see how there was nothing I could have done. And all I did up to now, and continue doing, was hold on to my faith.
God has been my refuge, my strength through each day. I've wrestled, I've cried out to Him in anger and disappointment. I've tried to go a day without talking to Him or telling Him how hurt I am.
In that silence I have found peace. Because even though I can not hear Him right now under my internal battle I feel Him leading me. Leading me to a deeper relationship with Him while I try to figure out how to sit in this mess I feel I can not move forward from.
There is blessing in disappointment and grief; when it leads you to His throne.
"Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need" Hebrews 4:16
For most of my life, I have lived trying to find reasoning in everything. All the bad that has happened to me. I'm always searching for a place of contentment amidst hardship. But what if as someone recently asked me to consider, "What if this is just part of your story and you don't have to search for meaning in it and simply sit and feel every emotion instead of searching for meaning?"
What if God simply wants me to sit in this moment or season of my life. To ponder on the simple things of life like the sun rising, which scientifically speaking it's not that simple. Or to wake up and be okay with not being okay. What if each day instead of numbing this pain I cry when I need to, or rejoice my way back to His heart. What if I just extend that same grace to myself?
Freedom in Christ. Grace in place of grace already given (John 1:16).
I've wanted to turn away, asking, “Where are you God? what kind of God lets these things happen especially after all I've been through." Oh, I'm so wicked, my emotions while valid are not true. They don't measure up. I've told my friends that I am so disappointed and upset with the Lord. And yet, when I say it out loud or hear it in my mind, I can't help but think of all the ways God has been my refuge and my redeemer. He has blessed me beyond my understanding.
I think of all the ways I have let others down and in His eyes I am clean and pure because of the blood of Jesus. I CAN NOT GIVE INTO MY SELF AND IDEAS. God is a just God, He is pure, unchanging. And even now in this pain I sit in, He is still a good God. I am still here with a purpose.
As I write this post, more so an honest look at my heart, I am reminded of the fallen world we live in. Yet, there are still blessings in this disappointment and grief because it has led me to His throne with a deep conviction.
While the world continues, life continues on, the enemy continues on with his tactics because his time is short (Revelation 12:12). I continue on searching for ways to sit and wait. I continue on because I can not shift. I want to be immovable, knowing that not one thing can separate me from the love of God. My life as I know it is no longer mine. I am surrendered to Christ, picking up my cross daily. It's hard and it hurts, but compared to Jesus?
Jesus is life. Jesus is love. Jesus is teaching me to live a life abandoned to self and in Him.
Yes, I'm hurting. I lost another baby. But she is resting and waiting for me along with my other children and family of believers in heaven.
Until then, I will do my best to seek Him and find Him in the simple things in life. Remembering that my Elías needs his Momma as much as I need Jesus, and hopefully one day he will love Him more than me.
You are Crowned in Beauty