To the patiently waiting friend, I understand.
As another Mother's Day is approaching my heart goes out to you.
I know the pain of wanting to hear that first cry.
I know the pain of another negative pregnancy test.
I know the pain of a missed period only for it to makes it appearance 5 days later.
I know the pain of sharing the burden with your significant other.
I know the pain of people asking you if you want kids and you've been trying for years but nothing yet.
I know the feeling of family members saying things that are insensitive to something that is out of your control.
I know the pain of watching other mothers share hugs with their little ones in front of you, and wanting to experience those hugs.
I know the pain of attending a Baby shower and feeling like no one cares about your longing to be called Mom.
I know the pain of losing a child.
I know the pain of terminating life, then decades later understanding the weight of that pain.
I know the pain of hearing someone else is pregnant again.
I know the pain of learning that the person you feel isn't capable or fully equipped for motherhood is pregnant again and you just don't understand. Why them and not me?
I know the pain of fearing that the Doctor will tell you, "this is just how your body is."
I know the pain of hearing your friends talk about another milestone their child achieved.
I know the pain of crying alongside your friends and praying them through a miscarriage, when you too suffered one.
I know the pain of being surrounded by Moms and feeling like you are left out.
I know your pain.
But there is something that I know is greater. His name is Jesus. And He knows your pain even greater. He knows that desire because He put it in you. He walked through your wilderness.
My friend, He. Walked. Through. Your. Wilderness.
He Chose You. He Redeemed You. He loves You. He hears You. He holds Your tears. He believed in You when He died on the cross for You.
I know your pain and I cry with you, because today I see the faithfulness of God.
2020 was a challenging year for me and it was not due to the pandemic. In March of 2019, I finally headed to an IVF clinic to get myself checked. Low and behold I was told I had a low ovarian reserve for my age (35). I was told I'd have a 5% chance of the treatment working. For months I lived in disbelief. I couldn't understand why God would bless me in so many other ways but naturally getting pregnant. I demanded God do it naturally.
I DID NOT WANT TO USE SCIENCE TO GET PREGNANT.
Until I repented of the shame of my past, I felt the lie that my body wasn't equipped enough to carry a baby would remain. I repented that decades ago, I had the ignorant belief that IVF was stepping in and it was like being a Sara; playing God. I didn't believe it would work because I was still walking in fear of the miscarriage. I gave that unbelief over to the Lord, fasted for 21 days, asking for peace in whatever the outcome of the treatment. On January 12th I started my first round of treatment.
Fear was no more because I had peace. The lie that my womb was not healthy was a thing of the past. I chose to focus on Gods goodness. A month later, February 26, 2020 we found out we had a positive pregnancy test.
Today I see the promise of God that was placed in my heart before time. My little boy, my little embryo is now 4 months.
But today, I also think of you. I think about how you read all these encouraging stories. I think about how you too are believing for your miracle baby. I pray for you my friend because I know your pain. I pray this verse over you, like I did for myself.
"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill what he has spoken to her!" Luke 1:45 CSB
I hope you hold onto the truth of Gods Word.
Many words have been told to you. "Your time will come." "God's timing is perfect." Or, "You could always adopt." And while yes, all that is true. It DOES NOT help because right now, You feel like it's not happening, or what if it doesn't happen?
I know your pain, and today I hope that while you read another miracle story you find Jesus written all over it. Because He is worthy. He is love, joy, peace. He wants your heart. He wants your desires. He wants to give you peace today.
"Be still and KNOW that I am God." Psalm 46:10a
I understand your pain, but Jesus KNOWS it. Rest in Him. Find peace in Him today knowing that no matter the outcome, You are Loved.