Another year is in the books. Another goal to set. Another set of pounds to endlessly obsess about. Drawing into that wretched calendar and possibly set another record of disappointment.
Yes, that is where I am today. Thinking, dwelling, absorbing each thought as I relinquish my worries and setbacks over to God.
2022. The year of the double portion.
A lot transpired at the end of 2021, so much so that at one point it was hard for me to appreciate what God was already doing and had done.
It’s so easy to dwell in the secret place of complacency. To check another block and sit, wondering if what you did for that day/ season even matters. To do, just because that is what we do.
Sit. Dwell. Sit. Silence. Sit. Know. Peace. Sit. Sit in the silence. Double the portion.
This word “sit” better yet “still” has been tugging at my heart for over a year. It hovers over my spirit beckoning me to take a seat at the table of the LORD.
What a mouthful, I know. But this is me today processing the worries of my heart over the past month. 2021 was the year that I recognized the importance of each day with my husband and Elias as a new family unit. It was through the postpartum depression that I came to know the deepest anxieties of my heart. Having flashbacks of the abuse I encountered long ago, the emotional toll abortions can have after the fact, the betrayal and manipulation I was under serving in the occult. The horrific stories on the news about abuse, the images, stories. This, haunted me.
Sit. Dwell. Sit in My Silence. Know. Peace. The Holy Spirit calling me, inviting me to sit, dwell, sit in His silence. To know His peace. Harpu.
Sit I did. Peace I fought for. When I learned the power of the blood of Christ and stood in His presence day after day, crying out for the Lord to free me from the condemnation of the enemy, He was there.
“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,”Romans 8:1
The power our testimony is brought through what Jesus did on the cross. Nothing, nothing could separate us from His love. Oh how my heart yearned in these moments to know the depth of God’s love, to know just how deep and wide.
IVF was hard in itself. The uncontrollable whiplash of chemical induced hormones on my tender heart. The fact that I was chosen to go through the treatment to begin with, well that was a process to process from day one. "You have a 5% of this treatment working." Those words, the nurse’s look on her face as she said tried to encourage me. Then mom-guilt creeping in on day 2 of Elías ’s life. Oh, the list goes on.
But, MY GOD!
I remember sitting in the family room watching my 6 month old, at the time, thanking God for him but also feeling terror. Feeling like my world was caving in. Having horrific thoughts, some brought on by the enemy. I cried out to the Lord in my anguish. I cried out and called some friends to pray over me. I cried out and His silence spoke. Postpartum depression is hard. Life is hard. What do we do when it gets hard? My suggestion is, turn to the Lord.
His silence speaks when we are listening.
Over the past 8 months my heart longed for more of Jesus. I've taken time to meet with counselors, talk things through, cry when I need to. Believing, claiming, and pleading the blood of Christ to deliver me and over me has been a daily confession of my faith.
And you know what God continues to remind me of? “I will be exalted. Be still and Know. Know me. I do not change. I am here. I will never leave you. I am your refuge. I have loved you with an unfailing love. I have redeemed you, and I am restoring your body and mind.”
The Hebrew word for still. It actually means, “relax, sink, let go.” The NASV says “to cease striving.” Oh what a relief! You mean I don't need to feed into the social and cultural lies that have been placed on us before birth? Thank you, Jesus!
"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." [Psa 46:10 NASV]
2021, a year of pressing in.
2022, the year of the double portion.
A year to, “sink.” To sink into the presence of God. To not worry about the outcome because time with God always gives back more.
To “let go.” Let go of what I can not control.
To “relax.” To take a seat with my Abba, and sit so quietly that I sink into the depths of His love.
The Lord is close to us. Closer than we think. The past year may have been an emotional rollercoaster for me or you, but Jesus. He stayed on that cross because He loves us. He was there on the uphills, twists and now the sudden stops of life's battles.
He is calling us to sink into His presence.
Sink into His word, His life, His love, His arms, His redemption and His power.
Be still. Let go. Relax. Cease striving.
You Are Crowned in Beauty,